'Dwight-mare': Lakers must avoid Howard, who's a horrible fit

Because DeMarcus Cousins suffered a torn ACL, the Lakers have a Boogie-sized hole at center. Improbably, one of the candidates to replace him is Dwight Howard, with whom the Lakers reportedly have “mutual interest.” 

On paper, you can see how it might make sense. The Lakers don’t want Anthony Davis to play big minutes at center, LeBron James loves teaming with washed-up former All-Stars (see Derrick Rose, Tyson Chandler, Dwyane Wade in Cleveland, Shaq in Cleveland, etc.), and Howard is very available, having been acquired by Memphis in a pure salary dump this summer. But the Lakers should be wary of adding Howard, who’s not the MVP candidate of 10 years ago, or the All-Star of five years ago, or a player who contributes to winning at all.

Early in his career in Orlando, Howard was a force, winning multiple Defensive Player of the Year awards and rebounding titles. In 2009, he led Orlando to the NBA Finals. But something changed near the end of his time there. The team declined, he demanded a trade after the lockout in 2011 and then he tried to get Coach Stan Van Gundy fired, leading to an awkward news conference that doubled as a viral ad campaign for Diet Pepsi. Bizarrely, Howard opted in to his deal at the trade deadline, only to get shipped to the Lakers that summer to team with Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol and Steve Nash. That team was a title favorite and projected to win 58 games, but the Lakers finished 45-37 in a nightmare season and got swept in the first round. Dwight’s final act as a Laker was to get himself ejected.

Howard moved on to Houston and had success at first, but he never meshed with James Harden. By his third season, Harden and GM Daryl Morey were openly trying to bench or trade Howard, as the team dropped to 41-41. He left to sign a giant deal with his hometown Atlanta Hawks in 2016, where he played even fewer minutes and the team got worse by five games. The morning of the Hawks’ final game of the season, a playoff loss to Washington, Howard got his car towed at 2 a.m. after he was caught driving 95 in a 65 m.p.h. zone with a suspended registration and no insurance. It’s not the worst issue, nor is it atypical for Howard – he got caught running red lights nine times in 2012 alone -– but it speaks to his lack of seriousness or concern for others. The Hawks dumped him on the Hornets, the Hornets dumped him on the Nets a year later, the Nets released him, and after the Wizards gave Howard a two-year deal, he played only nine games last year.

One problem is that the NBA has changed, and Howard has never adjusted his game. The 33-year-old plays deliberately on offense, always trying to post up. But he can’t pass out of a double-team, so he turns the ball over often. Howard can’t shoot at all, so he can’t play outside the paint: he shoots 57% from the free-throw line, and in 15 seasons, he’s made six three-pointers. Despite having great efficiency as a finisher, he hates running pick-and-roll. Even paired with two of the best pick-and-roll guys in history, Nash and Harden, Dwight refused to run it, preferring to grind the offense to a stop with his slow post-ups.

What does this mean for the Lakers? Traditionally, LeBron's teams are at their best when they can space the floor and play “five out” -– think Chris Bosh or Kevin Love playing center on those Heat and Cavaliers title teams. But if Dwight is playing center alongside LeBron and Davis, that’s a shocking lack of shooting range. And it’s worse if 33% three-point shooter Kyle Kuzma is out there too. It’s not that the Lakers would need Howard to score, but they need opponents to think he might occasionally consider it. The one thing Howard can still do is rebound, which is important because Dwight lineups are going to miss a lot of shots.

Howard annoys his teammates for off-the-court reasons, as well as for his frustrating style of play. And he’s really annoying! Deadspin called him “the Superman of unfunny.” He does terrible impressions of teammates and celebrities. He released a cover of “All Star” by Smash Mouth. The Magic had to create a “no flatulence” rule for team practices because of Dwight, and when he was traded to the Lakers, Glen “Big Baby” Davis said the team would miss “his farting ability” the most. (LeBron’s famous Taco Tuesdays better not feature beans.) That may be why Zach Lowe claimed he heard Hawks players were “screaming with jubilation into their phones" when they heard Dwight had been traded in 2017.

Dwight Howard doesn’t fit the modern NBA. He’s an offensive liability, his defense is a shell of what it used to be (his blocks plummeted to 0.4 per game last year), and he’s a loud, flatulent, locker-room cancer. His teams have gone under their projected win totals in eight of the past nine seasons. If the Lakers just need someone to model tank tops and make fart noises, they should sign Dwight Howard. If they want a serious NBA center, they should look elsewhere.